I’ve spent most of my life not believing a higher power existed but hoping one did. How did I become what I am today? Why wasn’t I destined to be a bit of cosmic dust? Maybe I could have been a star several billion light years away. I guess we have to accept who and what we are.
I have lived a life full of triumphs and defeats. I have experienced the happy and the sad times. I have seen the beginning of life and the end of lives. There were times when I thought it was the end of me but I continued on an unexplored path.
The plans I once pondered over have gone by the wayside. Those plans were made so long ago and by someone I no longer remember. The person that is left today has learned that all the plans made and designs created can be so easily destroyed. The excitement felt when the dreams were made can turn to despair when the dreams are found to be just that, only dreams.
I am now in the latter part of my life and am a person I don’t even recognize. The great many changes I have experienced have outpaced my ability to adapt to them. Sometimes that bit of far off cosmic dust seems tantalizingly comforting. The thought of floating aimlessly in the great expanse of the universe without a care sometimes seems enviable.
I have the fears of future uncertainty in my life and not the curiosity over things to come. It seems I have lost what youthful curiosity I once had, and I’m afraid I am left with only the regrets of adventures not taken. If there is a holy presence can it make itself, without a doubt, known to me? If there is nothing I want that to be made known to me as well so I can fully accept it?
I will accept what I have told myself for many years. Life is a series of random events that when thrown together in a haphazard manner becomes our lives. I am myself rather than that bright star due more to chance than to design.
I am ready to thank someone or something for the good things that have been a part of my life, but I feel I must also assign blame for tragedies that occurred. I have such anger inside me over events that have devastated my life and the lives of the people I loved. I know that if I keep that anger inside me much longer it will destroy me. Maybe that’s what I secretly want.
If I had the answers to all my questions I believe I could put my life in order. I could find a new direction and realize there was a chance I could find a new path to take. Maybe I could find that long lost sense of adventure and excitement. That insignificant gaseous particle of matter might not seem to beckon me any longer.
My dreams would be those of great anticipation rather than those of dread. My hopes would be refueled and doubts and fears would be swept away leaving not even a memory. I could forget about that bit of cosmic dust forever.